1 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,013 - Hey, buddy. - Hey, my dude. 2 00:00:15,047 --> 00:00:16,146 - What's going on, man? - Okay, we got the-- 3 00:00:16,181 --> 00:00:17,215 It's good to see-- I'm sorry, 4 00:00:17,249 --> 00:00:18,484 I'm talking at the same time as you. 5 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,357 - Okay, go ahead. - You go ahead and talk. 6 00:00:20,391 --> 00:00:22,298 - I'm sorry, go ahead. - No, it's all right, I-- 7 00:00:24,512 --> 00:00:25,646 - Go-- - Are you talking right now? 8 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,982 Yeah, I'm trying to-- 9 00:00:29,016 --> 00:00:31,419 - Go ahead. - All right, this is-- 10 00:00:32,381 --> 00:00:34,382 - Go ahead. - Okay, go ahead. 11 00:00:35,620 --> 00:00:37,331 - Try to not--um-- - I'm just--I'm gonna talk 12 00:00:37,435 --> 00:00:38,669 - And you just keep--okay. - No, it's you. 13 00:00:38,703 --> 00:00:40,270 - I'm sorry. - No. 14 00:00:40,270 --> 00:00:41,770 - All right, I'll go... - It's just that my internet 15 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,640 - connection's a little weak--ugh. - And then you just--gosh. 16 00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:45,009 - Are you talking right now? - I'm--no. 17 00:00:45,044 --> 00:00:46,378 - Are you talking right now? - I think--I can't tell 18 00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:47,414 - If it's a delay-- - God damn it. 19 00:00:47,483 --> 00:00:50,153 - [bleep]. - Okay. 20 00:00:50,437 --> 00:00:51,837 - You go first, and speak... - I'll talk, and then 21 00:00:51,872 --> 00:00:54,474 - You start--no. - And then--no. 22 00:00:55,941 --> 00:00:57,474 - W-what's that? - What? 23 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,909 Wait. What? 24 00:00:59,978 --> 00:01:01,114 - [bleep]! - God damn it! 25 00:01:01,183 --> 00:01:02,418 - I can't [bleep] believe this. - Not today! 26 00:01:02,487 --> 00:01:04,656 - You got to be kidding me! - Not [bleep] today! 27 00:01:04,691 --> 00:01:05,690 Ridiculous! 28 00:01:05,725 --> 00:01:07,692 Gotta have this conversation! 29 00:01:07,726 --> 00:01:09,961 - [bleep]! [bleep]! - Okay, okay. 30 00:01:09,995 --> 00:01:12,430 Okay, did the delay come back, Or are you--did you catch up? 31 00:01:12,464 --> 00:01:13,832 You know what? Let's just lay back, just calm. 32 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,735 You haven't [bleep] caught up, or we wouldn't be 33 00:01:15,769 --> 00:01:17,336 - talking at the same time. - Wow. 34 00:01:17,371 --> 00:01:19,038 - God damn it! - No. 35 00:01:19,107 --> 00:01:20,875 - Okay, listen--okay, listen... - Okay, here's the thing-- 36 00:01:20,909 --> 00:01:22,643 We gotta stop trying to talk at the same time... 37 00:01:22,677 --> 00:01:23,744 - Let me just get-- - and try to make-- 38 00:01:23,778 --> 00:01:25,980 - Okay. - or this conversation... 39 00:01:26,015 --> 00:01:29,287 - Okay--are--all right, fine. - It's gonna just go on... 40 00:01:29,321 --> 00:01:30,856 - forever. - if--I can't get out of it. 41 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:32,591 - Okay, I can't--listen-- - then that's ridiculous, I'm-- 42 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:35,361 I'm--that--no. 43 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:37,330 - What a bunch of-- - God, help me, please! 44 00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:38,531 There's only one thing We can do, okay? 45 00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:39,531 - I can't! - There's only one thing 46 00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:41,133 - we can do. - No, listen to me! 47 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,769 - Yeah, we--we got-- - I don't know how to get 48 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,537 - out of this! - Well, then we got to end it. 49 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:45,905 - We--I got to end it. - I got to end this! 50 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,307 - I can't-- - I got to end this! 51 00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:48,741 - I can't do it anymore! - I can't do it anymore. 52 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:50,375 - Okay, fine! - I can't do it anymore! 53 00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:52,110 Then we're gonna end it. 54 00:01:52,145 --> 00:01:53,879 - Okay, we're gonna to end-- - I got to-- 55 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:57,586 K--Keegan? 56 00:01:57,620 --> 00:02:00,389 Keegan, I'm gonna end it. You're frozen, I can't tell-- 57 00:02:00,458 --> 00:02:02,626 We're gonna end it, Okay? 58 00:02:02,661 --> 00:02:05,429 I just don't want you to be offended. 59 00:02:05,464 --> 00:02:08,700 Ending it, and--oh! 60 00:02:08,734 --> 00:02:10,435 Oh, he really meant "end it." 61 00:02:33,957 --> 00:02:35,958 Whoo! 62 00:02:35,993 --> 00:02:39,762 Hello! Mwah! 63 00:02:40,931 --> 00:02:44,301 Hello. Hello. 64 00:02:44,335 --> 00:02:47,405 - Thank you. - Man, thank you. 65 00:02:47,439 --> 00:02:49,474 - Okay, okay. - Thank you so much. 66 00:02:49,508 --> 00:02:50,609 Thank you so much. 67 00:02:50,643 --> 00:02:52,477 - I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I am Jordan Peele. 68 00:02:52,512 --> 00:02:53,879 - And we are Key and Peele. - we are Key and Peele. 69 00:02:53,913 --> 00:02:54,880 Thank you. 70 00:02:56,182 --> 00:02:58,484 You guys see that movie Django Unchained? 71 00:02:58,518 --> 00:02:59,585 - Did you see that movie? - Yeah! 72 00:02:59,619 --> 00:03:00,820 Did you see it? Okay, mm-hmm. 73 00:03:00,854 --> 00:03:02,054 That movie-- I didn't want to like that, 74 00:03:02,089 --> 00:03:03,789 but that was good, though. That was good. 75 00:03:03,824 --> 00:03:05,291 'cause I appreciate 76 00:03:05,325 --> 00:03:09,629 some historical, you know, relevance, and some accuracy, 77 00:03:09,663 --> 00:03:10,897 and when he shot that bitch and she flew 78 00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:13,266 - across the room-- - And she flew off the thing-- 79 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:15,202 - That's me. That's--that's-- - That was worth $12 80 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,537 Right there, that one moment. 81 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,372 - But Spike Lee had a problem. - Yes, he did. 82 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:20,208 - Before the movie came out-- - Before the movie came out, 83 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,409 before he had seen it, he was like-- 84 00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:24,312 He was like, "Yo, this is...absolutely"-- 85 00:03:24,346 --> 00:03:26,514 I'm like, "Get some coffee in your system, Spike, 86 00:03:26,549 --> 00:03:28,617 "'cause you've already lost my attention." 87 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,687 - He didn't like the N-word. - He didn't like 88 00:03:31,721 --> 00:03:33,656 - the prolific use of the N-word. - Yeah. 89 00:03:33,690 --> 00:03:36,592 - Which I--I'm trying to think, How do I describe it? 90 00:03:36,626 --> 00:03:38,961 The N-word-- The use of the N-word in a movie 91 00:03:38,995 --> 00:03:42,532 that's set in slave times, in the South, in the 1850s. 92 00:03:42,566 --> 00:03:45,469 - "Accurate," is how I would-- - Accurate. 93 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,842 Well, all right, friends. 94 00:03:50,876 --> 00:03:53,412 The first fight of the evening will feature 95 00:03:53,446 --> 00:03:56,482 one of my slaves versus one of the slaves 96 00:03:56,516 --> 00:03:59,652 of my distinguished guest, Mr. Jacob Dixon. 97 00:03:59,686 --> 00:04:01,320 You know, Robert, 98 00:04:01,354 --> 00:04:05,057 I hope you're as gracious a loser as you are a host. 99 00:04:06,994 --> 00:04:10,229 All right, enough talk. 100 00:04:12,666 --> 00:04:16,270 Now... 101 00:04:16,304 --> 00:04:18,605 Fight, you devils! Fight to the death! 102 00:04:27,448 --> 00:04:29,015 - Hey. - Hey. 103 00:04:29,049 --> 00:04:31,017 - Um, question. - Mm-hmm? 104 00:04:32,086 --> 00:04:35,088 How do we get out of this thing alive? 105 00:04:35,123 --> 00:04:37,424 It's really simple. Just let me pretend to kill you. 106 00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:38,826 Hmm. 107 00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,095 Maybe it just makes more sense if I pretend to kill you. 108 00:04:41,129 --> 00:04:43,998 - Yeah. - Yeah, I just-- 109 00:04:44,032 --> 00:04:46,534 I want to make it believable, so... 110 00:04:46,568 --> 00:04:48,803 Well, that's what I was-- That's what I was going for too. 111 00:04:48,838 --> 00:04:50,205 - Really? - What the blazes 112 00:04:50,239 --> 00:04:52,507 is going on over there in that endless clinch? 113 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:55,177 Tear him apart! 114 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,780 - Okay, let's-- - Oh! you get--mm! 115 00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:03,018 So just-- just die from this. 116 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:05,153 From this? Um, just-- 117 00:05:05,188 --> 00:05:07,756 You know what? Just-- Something doesn't feel right, 118 00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:09,157 So if I could just-- If I just-- 119 00:05:09,192 --> 00:05:10,626 - Let me--Go with me here. - Okay. Oh. 120 00:05:10,660 --> 00:05:13,462 Oh. 121 00:05:13,496 --> 00:05:16,331 Yup, that was it, that was it. This feels much more real. 122 00:05:16,366 --> 00:05:18,133 - So-- - Really? What? Why? 123 00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:19,802 Um, sorry, What do you mean "Why?" 124 00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:22,171 Fight! My God! 125 00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:24,773 Oh. 126 00:05:24,808 --> 00:05:26,742 I-I'm getting frustrated now. 127 00:05:26,776 --> 00:05:29,010 Damn it, kill! 128 00:05:32,348 --> 00:05:33,915 Nope, not a thing. Not a thing. 129 00:05:33,949 --> 00:05:35,116 Not a thing? Okay, let me just get-- 130 00:05:35,151 --> 00:05:36,518 Mm, I'm gonna get him. I got him. 131 00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:38,086 - Let me get you, though. - Just let me get you, though. 132 00:05:38,121 --> 00:05:39,388 - No, let me get you. - No, let me get you. 133 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,722 It was my idea, so can I do it first? 134 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:41,990 - Let me get you. - Let me get you, though. 135 00:05:42,025 --> 00:05:43,292 - Let me get you. - Just for, like, a second. 136 00:05:43,326 --> 00:05:44,693 Will you just let me get you for a second, please? 137 00:05:44,728 --> 00:05:45,961 Let me get you. Let me get you! 138 00:05:45,995 --> 00:05:49,665 Stop fighting like sissies and kill each other! 139 00:05:49,699 --> 00:05:50,699 - Okay. - All right. 140 00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:52,868 - Okay, check this out. - Yeah, mm-hmm. 141 00:05:52,902 --> 00:05:54,002 All right, we'll back up, 142 00:05:54,036 --> 00:05:56,570 - Mm-hmm. - and you run at me real fast, 143 00:05:56,605 --> 00:05:58,606 just do a bunch of spins, and kicks, and flourishes, 144 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,674 and I'll just knock you out, one punch, and then you're dead. 145 00:06:00,709 --> 00:06:02,209 Great, okay-- No, wait, wait, what? 146 00:06:02,244 --> 00:06:04,345 I'm sorry, so you can look cool? No, thank you. 147 00:06:04,379 --> 00:06:07,348 If someone doesn't die soon, I will kill you both. 148 00:06:07,382 --> 00:06:08,349 Thank you. 149 00:06:08,383 --> 00:06:10,984 - Ah! - Ohh! 150 00:06:11,019 --> 00:06:12,553 Ah, that's my boy! 151 00:06:12,587 --> 00:06:15,689 Ohh! 152 00:06:15,724 --> 00:06:16,724 Ah! 153 00:06:16,758 --> 00:06:18,626 Oh--ahh! 154 00:06:18,660 --> 00:06:20,361 You are not getting stronger from my punches. 155 00:06:20,395 --> 00:06:22,830 - Yes, I am, though! - Listen, come here. 156 00:06:22,864 --> 00:06:25,099 You've got to-- No, listen, listen. 157 00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:26,567 Let's be fair, okay? 158 00:06:26,601 --> 00:06:29,236 We both slam into each other, and we both die. 159 00:06:29,271 --> 00:06:30,838 Fair? 160 00:06:30,872 --> 00:06:32,006 - That's fair. - All right. 161 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,841 One! 162 00:06:33,875 --> 00:06:36,210 - This will be good. - Two! 163 00:06:36,244 --> 00:06:38,112 Three! 164 00:06:40,582 --> 00:06:42,950 - What? - Oh, you son of a bitch! 165 00:06:42,984 --> 00:06:44,218 You were never gonna fall. 166 00:06:44,252 --> 00:06:45,686 You didn't even try to fall down. 167 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,220 - You were never-- - It's, like, the fakest thing-- 168 00:06:47,255 --> 00:06:48,321 The thing is, you're-- 169 00:06:48,356 --> 00:06:49,389 - How 'bout that? - Don't--no. 170 00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:50,590 Don't hit me. Oh, what's that? 171 00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:52,192 - Ow. - What are you doing? 172 00:06:52,226 --> 00:06:53,360 - Cut the-- - Come on. 173 00:06:53,394 --> 00:06:54,595 Oh, you hit my balls. 174 00:06:54,629 --> 00:06:55,963 Hey, everybody! 175 00:06:55,997 --> 00:06:59,433 War's over! 176 00:06:59,467 --> 00:07:02,603 Slavery is abolished. 177 00:07:02,637 --> 00:07:03,771 Sorry. 178 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:08,676 - We'll call it a draw. - Done. 179 00:07:08,711 --> 00:07:11,580 Good for you, though, huh? 180 00:07:11,614 --> 00:07:13,782 - Thank you? - Let's go. 181 00:07:13,816 --> 00:07:16,350 - Well, wait, before you-- - No, no, no, no, no, hold up. 182 00:07:16,385 --> 00:07:18,686 Just--just--if--just if I may, Who do you think 183 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,822 - would have won the fight? - Yeah, between the two of us? 184 00:07:24,490 --> 00:07:25,857 We've had, on a couple of occasions, 185 00:07:25,916 --> 00:07:28,651 like, I mean, real super-tough, 186 00:07:28,686 --> 00:07:32,788 like, tatted-up Mexican dudes Walk up to us and go, 187 00:07:32,823 --> 00:07:36,124 "Hey, homes. 188 00:07:36,158 --> 00:07:39,261 "Like, you guys Should make fun of us." 189 00:07:42,399 --> 00:07:44,032 You know, the guy's, like-- Blink, he's got 190 00:07:44,066 --> 00:07:47,736 a "K" and a "P" Tattooed here. 191 00:07:47,770 --> 00:07:49,337 - We're like, "No, it's okay." - "It's all right." 192 00:07:49,371 --> 00:07:50,739 "It's all right." "No, you should do it. 193 00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:53,374 - "Like, make fun of us more." - "Nah." 194 00:07:53,409 --> 00:07:54,976 "Because you guys--you guys are leaving us out." 195 00:07:55,010 --> 00:07:57,479 - You can't-- - "Like, don't leave us out. 196 00:07:57,513 --> 00:07:59,014 "We're trying to have fun too, okay?" 197 00:07:59,048 --> 00:08:00,148 Yeah. 198 00:08:00,183 --> 00:08:02,851 "We're trying To have fun, ese." 199 00:08:02,886 --> 00:08:04,854 That's some scary [bleep], when their eyes get big. 200 00:08:04,888 --> 00:08:05,988 - That's some scary [bleep]. - "Hey." 201 00:08:06,023 --> 00:08:07,690 No. 202 00:08:07,724 --> 00:08:09,425 I don't want none of that. 203 00:08:09,459 --> 00:08:12,828 It's like, if you have human sacrifice in your DNA, 204 00:08:12,863 --> 00:08:15,764 I'm not gonna make fun of you. 205 00:08:18,634 --> 00:08:20,502 Okay, let's get this thing going. 206 00:08:20,536 --> 00:08:23,605 Everybody take a seat. 207 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,676 We got to have More meetings, homes, 208 00:08:26,710 --> 00:08:29,445 'cause I'm telling you, man, we got to get organized. 209 00:08:41,758 --> 00:08:44,526 Carlito ain't got a seat, man. Someone get him a chair. 210 00:08:44,561 --> 00:08:45,961 No, I'm cool. 211 00:08:45,996 --> 00:08:48,664 No, dude, get him a chair, homes. 212 00:08:51,736 --> 00:08:53,537 I'm gonna sit gangster. 213 00:08:53,571 --> 00:08:56,273 But, Carlito, it doesn't look Like it's comfortable, man. 214 00:08:56,307 --> 00:08:58,875 Why don't you Just sit in the chair? 215 00:08:58,910 --> 00:09:01,111 I never sit in no chair, ese. 216 00:09:01,145 --> 00:09:02,979 Mm-mmm. 217 00:09:03,014 --> 00:09:06,749 You never, ever gon' catch me sitting in no chairs. 218 00:09:06,783 --> 00:09:08,650 Hey, ese, you know that That's loco, right? 219 00:09:08,685 --> 00:09:10,252 No, man. 220 00:09:10,286 --> 00:09:11,487 It's cool, Carlito. 221 00:09:11,521 --> 00:09:13,188 No one's gonna think you're soft 222 00:09:13,223 --> 00:09:14,823 - if you sit in a chair, homes. - Yeah, yeah. 223 00:09:14,858 --> 00:09:16,359 - We're all sitting in chairs. - Right. 224 00:09:16,393 --> 00:09:18,628 - Bunch of bitch-ass culeros. 225 00:09:18,663 --> 00:09:20,296 - ÿQue? - I don't have no time 226 00:09:20,331 --> 00:09:22,832 to sit in no [bleep] chair. 227 00:09:25,002 --> 00:09:27,170 Okay. 228 00:09:27,204 --> 00:09:29,806 Now that we're all here-- 229 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,341 You know what? But why, though? 230 00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:34,244 Like, it don't make no sense for you to set yourself up 231 00:09:34,278 --> 00:09:35,812 with a rule like that. 232 00:09:35,846 --> 00:09:38,681 - No, it's, like, limiting. - Yeah, limiting. 233 00:09:38,716 --> 00:09:40,083 - Limiting. - I mean, sometimes, 234 00:09:40,117 --> 00:09:41,518 People sit in chairs. 235 00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:44,387 Man, [bleep] all of you guys with your bitch-ass chairs. 236 00:09:46,223 --> 00:09:49,792 There. 237 00:09:49,827 --> 00:09:53,497 Okay, Carlito, quit playing and sit in the chair, pendejo. 238 00:09:53,531 --> 00:09:55,065 - No. - Carlito, 239 00:09:55,099 --> 00:09:58,168 we have to have this meeting now, ese. Get up! 240 00:09:58,203 --> 00:09:59,770 I'm good right here, man. 241 00:09:59,804 --> 00:10:01,504 - You know-- - I'm chilling. 242 00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:03,773 Go ahead with your meeting. 243 00:10:03,807 --> 00:10:06,776 Okay, but you know It's going to be weird. 244 00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:08,144 You don't care that it's going to be weird? 245 00:10:08,179 --> 00:10:09,279 Weird for you, maybe. 246 00:10:09,313 --> 00:10:11,648 He doesn't care. Okay. 247 00:10:11,683 --> 00:10:14,885 Okay, homies, so this is what we have to do, 248 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,553 like, we got to sell more drugs... 249 00:10:16,588 --> 00:10:17,921 and we got to make 250 00:10:17,955 --> 00:10:19,289 more crimes happen. 251 00:10:19,323 --> 00:10:22,192 Roberto, where are we-- 252 00:10:22,226 --> 00:10:24,428 Carlito, You're bleeding, ese! 253 00:10:24,462 --> 00:10:27,096 Who cares, man? 254 00:10:30,768 --> 00:10:32,569 Yo, whoa! You just got shanked, man! 255 00:10:32,603 --> 00:10:34,871 - We got to pull that out! - Leave it! 256 00:10:34,905 --> 00:10:37,340 I'm chilling, homes. 257 00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:40,744 I don't care about that stupid shank. 258 00:10:44,349 --> 00:10:46,117 Carlito. 259 00:10:46,151 --> 00:10:48,653 Carlito, wake up, man! 260 00:10:52,057 --> 00:10:53,457 Hey, don't even bother, ese. 261 00:10:53,492 --> 00:10:54,892 What? 262 00:10:54,926 --> 00:10:56,460 ¡Oh, dios mio! 263 00:10:56,495 --> 00:10:59,330 I don't need those defibrillators. 264 00:10:59,364 --> 00:11:01,532 I don't even want to come back to life, homes. 265 00:11:01,566 --> 00:11:05,035 Carlito, Go back into your body. 266 00:11:05,069 --> 00:11:07,938 - My body's stupid, homes. - What? 267 00:11:07,972 --> 00:11:10,440 I'm fine right here on the spirit plane. 268 00:11:10,475 --> 00:11:12,843 Life is for pussies. 269 00:11:16,982 --> 00:11:21,018 Carlito. Carlito, go to the light. 270 00:11:21,053 --> 00:11:22,687 Nah, I'm good, man. 271 00:11:22,721 --> 00:11:24,355 Carlito, that's Heaven, man. 272 00:11:24,389 --> 00:11:26,057 I don't need to go to Heaven, homes. 273 00:11:26,091 --> 00:11:28,660 - Heaven is for pussies. - Oh, boy. 274 00:11:30,563 --> 00:11:33,998 Hello, and welcome To the fifth annual meeting 275 00:11:34,033 --> 00:11:35,967 of the Tallahassee Black Republicans. 276 00:11:36,002 --> 00:11:38,036 - Now, I'm pissed! - Mm-hmm. 277 00:11:38,070 --> 00:11:40,038 - Royally pissed! - Mm-hmm. 278 00:11:40,073 --> 00:11:45,044 Last november, Barack Obama was re-elected President, 279 00:11:45,078 --> 00:11:48,214 and the black vote went almost entirely to him! 280 00:11:48,248 --> 00:11:49,548 Dagnabbit. 281 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:53,419 We're not getting our message out, obviously. 282 00:11:53,454 --> 00:11:56,822 The Republican Party is and should be 283 00:11:56,856 --> 00:11:59,424 - the only home for black votes. - Yes, sir. 284 00:11:59,459 --> 00:12:03,428 Now, people think that black voters are a monolith. 285 00:12:03,463 --> 00:12:05,063 We're not a monolith. 286 00:12:05,097 --> 00:12:06,698 - What? What? - No, we're not. 287 00:12:06,732 --> 00:12:08,566 - In fact, Black Republicans alone 288 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,434 are an extremely diverse group of people. 289 00:12:12,237 --> 00:12:13,904 Now, to speak more on diversity, 290 00:12:13,939 --> 00:12:18,509 I present tonight's speaker, 291 00:12:18,543 --> 00:12:19,577 Mr. Douglas Jackson. 292 00:12:33,993 --> 00:12:35,493 Now, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, I'm pissed! 293 00:12:36,529 --> 00:12:38,796 I'm royally pissed. 294 00:12:38,831 --> 00:12:41,932 The liberal media thinks that Republicanism 295 00:12:41,967 --> 00:12:43,734 - is not for black people. - Mm. 296 00:12:43,768 --> 00:12:47,004 - Now, you tell me, what about fiscal responsibility, 297 00:12:47,038 --> 00:12:49,839 a strong national defense, and a limited government 298 00:12:49,874 --> 00:12:52,408 is unappealing to black people? 299 00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:54,744 - We're not a monolith! - Mm-mmm. 300 00:12:54,779 --> 00:12:57,180 We come in all different shapes and sizes. 301 00:12:57,215 --> 00:12:58,782 - We do. - Mm-hmm. 302 00:12:58,816 --> 00:13:00,784 Now, who here would like to come up to this podium 303 00:13:00,819 --> 00:13:03,487 and speak about the diversity amongst Black Republicans? 304 00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:07,024 Oh. 305 00:13:07,059 --> 00:13:08,459 Gentlemen, we have a real treat today, 306 00:13:08,493 --> 00:13:11,262 a gentleman who is a little bit eccentric, 307 00:13:11,296 --> 00:13:15,065 a little bit outside of the box, if you will, 308 00:13:15,099 --> 00:13:17,533 but I can't think of a better person to speak 309 00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:20,036 on diversity amongst Black Republicans 310 00:13:20,070 --> 00:13:21,137 than this gentleman right here. 311 00:13:21,171 --> 00:13:22,839 All the way from Orlando, my good friend, 312 00:13:22,873 --> 00:13:24,273 Arthur Washington! 313 00:13:28,813 --> 00:13:30,147 It's good to see you. It's good to see you. 314 00:13:30,181 --> 00:13:32,282 Good to see you, man. 315 00:13:36,053 --> 00:13:37,154 Thank you for the introduction, 316 00:13:37,188 --> 00:13:38,321 Brother Douglas. 317 00:13:38,356 --> 00:13:39,856 Thank you for being here, Brother Arthur. 318 00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:41,190 Mm-hmm. 319 00:13:41,225 --> 00:13:43,993 However, I am... pissed. 320 00:13:45,061 --> 00:13:46,729 Royally pissed. 321 00:13:46,763 --> 00:13:47,997 - Indeed, indeed! - All right. 322 00:13:48,031 --> 00:13:49,298 - Democrats think they have the right 323 00:13:49,332 --> 00:13:51,099 to all the black people. 324 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:52,468 But that is not the case. 325 00:13:52,502 --> 00:13:54,837 We are not a monolith. 326 00:13:54,872 --> 00:13:59,009 Democrats may be cool, but they ain't practical. 327 00:13:59,043 --> 00:14:00,176 There you go. 328 00:14:00,211 --> 00:14:02,145 Republicans are practical. 329 00:14:02,179 --> 00:14:05,014 Black people are practical! 330 00:14:05,048 --> 00:14:07,716 - Come to think of it... - Get those pants. 331 00:14:07,751 --> 00:14:10,185 I think Black Republicans are pretty cool. 332 00:14:10,220 --> 00:14:11,420 Hear, hear, hear, hear. 333 00:14:11,454 --> 00:14:13,089 Not to mention very diverse. 334 00:14:13,123 --> 00:14:14,424 There we go. Mm-hmm. 335 00:14:14,458 --> 00:14:16,993 Excuse me, gentlemen. Sorry to interrupt. 336 00:14:17,028 --> 00:14:19,796 Someone's white wife is here to pick them up. 337 00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:24,634 Was her name Emily? 338 00:14:24,668 --> 00:14:26,603 - Uh, she was white. - Oh, great, that's-- 339 00:14:30,410 --> 00:14:32,377 Anybody here enjoy athletics and sports? 340 00:14:33,580 --> 00:14:36,082 Something that we find very interesting 341 00:14:36,116 --> 00:14:37,517 is that sometimes, the celebrations 342 00:14:37,551 --> 00:14:39,152 after somebody has done something positive 343 00:14:39,186 --> 00:14:40,587 in a sporting event are more violent 344 00:14:40,621 --> 00:14:41,788 - than the sport itself. - They're just-- 345 00:14:41,823 --> 00:14:43,523 - They're so jacked up. - Why is that? 346 00:14:43,558 --> 00:14:45,259 Yeah! They're so amped up! 347 00:14:45,293 --> 00:14:46,727 They're crazy. They're just-- 348 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:47,961 - Dudes get amped up! - We did that, man. 349 00:14:47,996 --> 00:14:49,262 - We won that! - We done--yeah. 350 00:14:49,297 --> 00:14:50,530 - We won that! - Yeah, we did. 351 00:14:50,565 --> 00:14:51,931 - We won that, son! - You did that stuff, boy. 352 00:14:51,966 --> 00:14:52,932 - What? What? - You did it, son. 353 00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,367 - We won that, son! - We won that! 354 00:14:54,401 --> 00:14:55,902 They thought we couldn't do it, but we could do it! 355 00:14:57,738 --> 00:14:59,405 - We did it, son! - We did it--yeah! 356 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,406 We did it, man! 357 00:15:03,243 --> 00:15:05,077 Come on, man! We did it! 358 00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:06,979 - We did it! - We did it. 359 00:15:07,014 --> 00:15:10,183 Silence it. We did it. 360 00:15:10,217 --> 00:15:12,485 We did it. 361 00:15:12,519 --> 00:15:14,721 We did it--oh. 362 00:15:14,755 --> 00:15:16,322 We did it. 363 00:15:20,928 --> 00:15:23,429 Oh, yeah! 364 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:25,731 Good victory, guys! Good victory! 365 00:15:25,766 --> 00:15:28,001 Hey, hey, come on, good game! Slap-ass, man! 366 00:15:28,035 --> 00:15:29,002 Hey, good game! 367 00:15:29,036 --> 00:15:31,404 Get some slap-ass! 368 00:15:31,439 --> 00:15:33,640 Yeah, dog! Yes, man! 369 00:15:33,675 --> 00:15:36,076 Good game! Slap-ass! 370 00:15:37,912 --> 00:15:39,779 Hey, who's next? Who-- 371 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:42,681 Hey, Garcia! Come on, man, get you some. 372 00:15:42,716 --> 00:15:44,416 Come on, let's get some slap-ass over here. 373 00:15:44,450 --> 00:15:46,551 No! 374 00:15:46,585 --> 00:15:48,853 What? Why--why not? 375 00:15:48,888 --> 00:15:51,690 I said no, Rafi. 376 00:15:51,724 --> 00:15:54,225 He's had enough, Rafi. 377 00:15:54,260 --> 00:15:56,628 We've all had enough. 378 00:15:56,662 --> 00:15:58,163 Enough of what? 379 00:15:58,197 --> 00:16:00,565 Enough of the damn ass-slapping, Rafi. 380 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,669 Gracias. 381 00:16:03,703 --> 00:16:05,137 The [bleep] slap-ass? 382 00:16:05,171 --> 00:16:06,872 - Si, yes. si. - Mm-hmm. 383 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,409 Guys, who [bleep] cares how much I slap ass? 384 00:16:11,443 --> 00:16:13,110 So what? I slap ass! 385 00:16:13,145 --> 00:16:16,714 No big deal, man. I'm a [bleep] baseball player. 386 00:16:16,749 --> 00:16:19,317 That's what we do. We [bleep] hit home runs, 387 00:16:19,351 --> 00:16:22,220 and [bleep] slap ass. Come on, huh? 388 00:16:22,254 --> 00:16:25,056 Rafi, that's not how we all see baseball. 389 00:16:25,090 --> 00:16:28,627 Everybody does it. All the teams slap ass, man. 390 00:16:28,661 --> 00:16:31,062 You-- You slap ass, Garcia! 391 00:16:31,097 --> 00:16:32,830 Like, a couple of times a game. 392 00:16:34,766 --> 00:16:36,200 What? So what, man? 393 00:16:36,234 --> 00:16:37,868 Why the [bleep] you counting, man? 394 00:16:37,902 --> 00:16:40,037 Who knows how many times I slap ass, or how many-- 395 00:16:40,071 --> 00:16:43,074 427 times. 396 00:16:46,011 --> 00:16:48,312 Okay, time flies when you're having fun, man. What-- 397 00:16:48,346 --> 00:16:51,583 My families come to these games, Rafi. 398 00:16:51,617 --> 00:16:53,452 My son is always asking me 399 00:16:53,486 --> 00:16:55,954 why I'm letting this man touch my butt so many times. 400 00:16:55,989 --> 00:16:58,790 And you say "slap-ass" every time. 401 00:16:58,824 --> 00:17:00,291 Every time! 402 00:17:00,326 --> 00:17:04,662 Okay, hold on one second. Let's go to the time-out. 403 00:17:04,697 --> 00:17:08,233 I'm from the Dominican Republic, okay? 404 00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:12,437 All I know, since I was a little kid, 405 00:17:12,472 --> 00:17:15,240 is to catch fly balls and to say "Slap-ass" 406 00:17:15,274 --> 00:17:18,243 every single time I [bleep] slap ass! 407 00:17:18,277 --> 00:17:19,778 This is the Major Leagues, Rafi. 408 00:17:19,812 --> 00:17:22,013 We are all from the Dominican Republic. 409 00:17:22,048 --> 00:17:27,218 Nobody here has ever heard anyone say "Slap-ass" 410 00:17:27,253 --> 00:17:29,588 before you. 411 00:17:29,622 --> 00:17:31,322 Quit playing, man. Come on, get your slap-ass. 412 00:17:31,357 --> 00:17:35,294 - Rafi! - Rafi, enough! Okay? 413 00:17:39,499 --> 00:17:43,101 I'm... 414 00:17:43,136 --> 00:17:48,607 Okay. You're right. 415 00:17:48,641 --> 00:17:53,445 I know you're right about it. 416 00:17:53,479 --> 00:17:56,381 I have a problem, okay? 417 00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:59,918 I know that. 418 00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:02,154 And I decide to stop right now. 419 00:18:02,188 --> 00:18:03,856 Bueno. 420 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,827 Right after I get that Garcia slap-ass. 421 00:18:07,861 --> 00:18:09,428 - Come on. - Hey, hey, hey! 422 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,763 - What? - No, Rafi! 423 00:18:10,797 --> 00:18:12,565 Hey, come on, eh? 424 00:18:12,599 --> 00:18:14,900 I'm fine, all right? Fine, I get it! 425 00:18:18,371 --> 00:18:19,972 Get up out of here! 426 00:18:20,006 --> 00:18:21,574 - Come on! - Get out of the locker room! 427 00:18:21,608 --> 00:18:22,909 You get out of the locker room! 428 00:18:22,943 --> 00:18:25,411 You're the only slap-ass that matters, Garcia! 429 00:18:25,446 --> 00:18:28,448 You are not getting a slap-ass! 430 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,819 Hey, Garcia, man, can I talk to you for a second? 431 00:18:32,853 --> 00:18:34,520 - Oh. - Hold up. 432 00:18:34,554 --> 00:18:36,521 Hey, Rafi, what's up? 433 00:18:36,556 --> 00:18:40,626 Oh, man, I just talked To the manager, man. 434 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:42,427 He says he's going to trade me, man. 435 00:18:42,462 --> 00:18:46,198 I mean, what the hell, you know? I got kids, too, right? 436 00:18:46,232 --> 00:18:48,033 Yeah, well, we all told you what was going to happen 437 00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,536 - If you-- - Hey... 438 00:18:52,405 --> 00:18:54,741 I really could use that one slap-ass, man. 439 00:18:54,775 --> 00:18:57,176 - Rafi. - Come on, man. 440 00:18:57,210 --> 00:19:00,779 Just one slap-ass, you know? Just one-- 441 00:19:00,814 --> 00:19:04,283 Just for old times' sake, you know? 442 00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:06,852 Get me back on my feet. I really-- 443 00:19:06,886 --> 00:19:10,857 Just one for the road, man. I could really use it. 444 00:19:17,298 --> 00:19:20,300 Okay, okay. 445 00:19:22,102 --> 00:19:25,271 Good game! Slap-ass! 446 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,641 I got to get home to my kids. 447 00:19:28,675 --> 00:19:30,342 Okay. 448 00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:34,580 Oh. Garcia, man. 449 00:19:34,614 --> 00:19:37,016 I'll suck your [bleep] if you let me slap your ass again. 450 00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:40,319 No! 451 00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:42,855 Garcia, I'll suck your [bleep]. 452 00:19:46,459 --> 00:19:49,328 Ohh, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, slap-ass, 453 00:19:49,363 --> 00:19:52,131 slap-ass, slap-ass. 454 00:20:00,237 --> 00:20:02,138 Welcome to Metta World News. 455 00:20:02,172 --> 00:20:04,239 In fashion, if you woke up, and there 456 00:20:04,274 --> 00:20:06,942 was a 4-inch miniature human standing on your chest, 457 00:20:06,976 --> 00:20:08,377 would you swat them off? 458 00:20:08,411 --> 00:20:10,578 I was really challenged by this question. 459 00:20:10,613 --> 00:20:13,314 I would hope that I would engage them in conversation. 460 00:20:13,349 --> 00:20:17,052 But in reality, I think I'd be scared of them 461 00:20:17,086 --> 00:20:20,121 and swat them away, which would probably kill them. 462 00:20:20,156 --> 00:20:22,190 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 463 00:20:22,224 --> 00:20:25,627 for this Wednesday, October Noise-canceling Octagon Tire. 464 00:20:25,661 --> 00:20:28,664 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 465 00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:32,601 Did I fulfill my contract, Satan? 466 00:20:34,137 --> 00:20:37,573 We love you. Thank you. 467 00:20:37,607 --> 00:20:39,141 - Hey, it was a good show, man. - It was a good show! 468 00:20:39,175 --> 00:20:40,642 - We won that show, dog! - Yeah, we did! 469 00:20:40,677 --> 00:20:41,777 - We won that show, baby! - Yeah, we did! 470 00:20:41,811 --> 00:20:42,777 - We won that show! - What? 471 00:20:42,812 --> 00:20:44,144 - We won that show! - We did! 472 00:20:44,316 --> 00:20:46,316 - We won that show. - Come on-- 473 00:20:58,282 --> 00:21:01,316 ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 474 00:21:01,441 --> 00:21:03,180 Oh yeah!